Published: January 12, 2010 07:00 pm      

Cologne sniffing and head scratching

Sometimes life smells of desperation, perspiration or an equally offensive odor; I'm just not sure I'd pay $40 for a 4 oz. bottle of it.

Of course, stink is in the nostril of the beholder. What gets on one person's olfactory nerve can smell sensational to the next. How else do you explain cologne scents molecularly engineered to mimic mildew or Burger King Whoppers?

Yes that's right, you can smell like grandma's stale furniture or greasy fast food. Personally, I'm holding out for ode de gasoline -- premium grade.

Now I'm not what you would call a fragrance man. I do like to smell somewhere in the overall context of the word good. However, I don't have a toiletries cabinet stocked with gels, creams, aftershave or anything eau de in nature.

I typically operate out of one bathroom drawer and a single mantra: roll out (of bed), roll on (deodorant) roll out (the door). Overall, I'm a simple three-s-morning kind of guy.

For the past six years, however, I've indulged in the occasional cologne spritz.

The 6 oz. bottle on the bedroom dresser was given to me from my now-departed sister; a Christmas gift from a Canadian duty-free shop. Up until last year I used it sparingly only out of forgetfulness; I ration it now for another reason.

Strange as it seems, I wasn't ready to let this tangible connection run dry. I decided to seek a suitable new scent; something with only a hint of self-dignity. Instead, I found these peculiar smells:

-- No Burnt Piston or Overdue Oil Change, but I did find one interesting auto-related fragrance. General Motors offers the Cadillac of cologne -- literally ... smells like bailout money and pink slips.

-- KISS fragrance. If you're going to rock 'n' roll all night and party every day, that doesn't leave much time to shower. French bath ode de Gene Simmons ... smells like stale beer and middle age men in makeup.

-- Dirt, Dust or Earthworm. Funny, Mom always made me take a bath if I smelled like any one of these bottled scents.

-- Clean Windows. This cologne fragrance runs $39.50 for a 4 oz. bottle. I might be math-challenged, but at that price you could buy a case of Windex ... smells like ammonia-scented pheromones with a streak-free shine.

-- Glue, Turpentine or Christmas in New York. Three scents you should never sniff -- especially Grand Central Station ... smells like sweaty Santa on the subway.

-- Lobster. Demeter fragrance calls it a combination of "the sea, sweet meat, and a hint of drawn butter" -- perfect if you're dating the Gordon Fisherman.

Honestly, I'm surprised someone hasn't sold a Gym Locker cologne ... smells like sweat, dank towel and a hint of jock strap, for a fraction of yearly membership dues.

Like most things in life, it's just a matter of someone willing to pay for perspiration, desperation, or an equally offensive odor. I'm still holding out for premium grade.