Alexander Pope called birthdays the funeral of the former year.
Obviously the English poet didn't put much stock in the whole "happy" thing. Perhaps someone should have sent him a primate and punch line birthday card.
When it comes to celebrating birthdays, the card is as synonymous as cake, candles and waking up in a Tijuana jail cell. However, birthday cards are mostly store-bought sentiments or e-motions downloaded for a fee.
And yes, I'm guilty of buying the best birthday wishes for $3.95 plus tax.
Earlier this week I dutifully searched greeting card emporiums, grocery stores and 24-hour gas stations for just the right words. My wife's pending birthday presented a card dilemma: iambic prose or plain idiotic? I could opt for poetic notions that fly on gossamer wings; the kind that try to rhyme with nicer. Or I could go for the sublime, "Yeah I leave my underwear on the floor, but I love ya' babe," grinning monkey card.
The double-entendre section was off limits, however, since I had our second-grader in tow. I wasn't ready for the birds and suggestively-drawn bees conversation just yet.
I seriously thought about a bodily-humor card, but the selection stunk -- even worse than this sentence. After all, my wife comes from a long line of flatulence laughers. I think her great-great-great grandfather chuckled when he let one slip aboard the Mayflower.
Surprisingly, the selection of "To My Beloved Wife" cards with Dutch oven references is rather thin.
It is funny how certain people only receive the not-so-serious birthday card. My father has been subjected to every imaginable bad golf pun. He has also endured cracks about his age, TV remote use and Republicans. In fact, during the Bush administration, we imposed a Dick Cheney card moratorium.
As an adult, the right birthday card can be the best gift. While the selection isn't the greatest, just getting a birthday card from the centenarian section is reason to celebrate; even if your ice cream comes from an IV line.
However, I wouldn't try to pass off the birthday card gift on an unsuspecting child. Kids are taught to politely open birthday cards first. It is strictly peas before dessert; everyone knows the card is just a conduit to the present.
Of course, most kids are aware of the cash birthday card -- unfortunately, so was David Baker. The Royal Mail manager was sentenced this week to six months in jail for stealing cash from children's birthday cards to fund his lavish lifestyle. The Daily Mail reported that Baker even took coins from colorful envelopes he knew were intended for youngsters -- then threw the cards in the trash.
Speaking of serious birthday issues, I decided to forgo the silly card. Next year, however, my wife's odometer birthday card will prove far less poetic -- as in primates and punch lines.
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